Deal with the Devil?

Sometimes I feel like I unknowingly signed a deal with the devil and it's all catching up with me. When I decided more than five years ago what I wanted to do for a living, nothing was going to stand in my way. I think most of the people around me thought it was nuts that I wanted to move to a city I'd never heard of to work odd shifts for little money. To me it sounded wonderful. And it was. In a way, it still is. But now, after all this time, I finally realize why they thought the path I was heading out on was out there. I sacrificed a lot to get where I am, and for the first time I feel like I'm ready to go the other direction. The problem is, turning around mid-stream and going against the current is much harder than jumping in not knowing what's in front of you.

It's funny how out of nowhere priorities can change. Money never matter to me. Schedules never mattered to me. Location never mattered to me. Now all of that matters. Now I realize there is a certain salary I'd like to make to live comfortably. Now my free time is more valuable. For so long, work was all that mattered. Now that time at work pulls a close second to the time I get to experience things in life I choose to experience. Now having a place to call home feels like all I need right now. It's funny how that happens.

For the longest time, and even now, I have a bit of an identity crisis when people ask me where I'm from. I know where I'm from, I know where I've been and I know where I am now, but explaining all that is probably more of an answer than they are looking for. I do feel lucky that I live in a place that I absolutely love. I never thought I would say I love Kentucky and I think most people outside of the state would think that's odd, but I do. There is this interesting type of culture in the state that I haven't found anywhere else. The people here would insist they live in the south, so they live by the rules of southern hospitality, but in reality, it's a Midwestern state that's been infiltrated by Midwesterners and those traits give it a feeling of the place where I grew up.

There's also this wonderful pride people from Kentucky have. They have certain criteria to say you are from here. If you weren't born here, you're not officially from here, even if you moved to the state when you were three months old. They have their own song they sing right with the National Anthem at any event you attend. They have their own food. Derby pie, mint juleps, hot browns, burgoo, and others that I couldn't even begin to explain or want to try.

All of it makes the thought of venturing elsewhere difficult. I don't want to leave, but when I watch my priorities in life were starting to shift, I wonder if the place I'm in now can be the same place that fills all my new found needs. It's an internal struggle that grows stronger every day.

Like I said, I know I am lucky. But the one thing that hasn't changed in me since I started out on these adventures to adulthood is that I want what I want, when I want it. It definitely creates a problem when half way through, you change your mind and some of those changes don't exactly fit.